What We Need

I’m only going to allow myself one rant this morning and I’ve decided to get it out of the way early on. If I ruled the world I’d ban all advertising on TV that was directed specifically at children. Everyone should have the experience of sitting watching TV with a child here in the UK sometime and then I think you’d join my campaign. It would be an unusual child who could see through the cynical methods used by advertisers to convince them that their only path to happiness is to possess the latest toy or game or to take their entire family out for a day at an over-priced theme park or to eat the latest frozen food or chocolate bar stocked by every local supermarket. I’ve been complaining about advertising aimed specifically at children ever since my children were young and during this time the governments of Norway, Sweden and Greece have banned such adverts on TV but not yet here in Britain. I live in hope.

And what does this have to do with the subject of today’s address? Well I’m probably not the only parent and grandparent to have had to listen to a child explaining to me that they really need the latest … (fill in the gap) to be followed by my reply ‘you think you need … But really you just want it’. This is not a response that would ever convince any determined youngster.

And it needn’t convince any of you today because for simplicity’s sake I am merging the meaning of various words – want, need, long for, yearning – today let them all converge into one feeling. And it’s a feeling, a life experience that most of us know only too well. We know what it is to want, to yearn for, to need, to long for – something. We know it on a biological level for we have bodies that send us clear messages – our physical selves send messages to our brains telling of our needs for water, for food, for sleep, for safety, for a breath of fresh air. Yet even at a biological level our needs can become masked and it takes time and effort sometimes to sort out what it is we really need. That’s all part of growing up – getting to know ourselves better, learning to explain ourselves to ourselves as well as to others. I foolishly took a child to Hamleys toy shop just after Christmas – a trip that ended in tears because he didn’t have enough money to buy the toy he really needed. Only later was he able to explain his tears by telling me he was tired.

As adults as well as in childhood it’s valuable to develop our ability to assess our own biological and emotional state and to learn to dig a little deeper. Yes I feel as if I really need a slice of pizza but really I could do with some fresh air and a good chat with someone I trust. Of course for the spiritually enlightened amongst us there is another level – expressed beautifully by Wendell Berry in the poem we heard earlier on – “clear in the ancient faith: what we need is here.” All that we need is here, now. On a good day probably many of us know that to be true.

It’s the message of the hymn we sang earlier, with its verse

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.

Our hymn book doesn’t include the hymn’s final verse that starts with the line

Breathe through the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and Thy balm;

For me that line expresses something of what it is to be human – we are creatures of desire. We move towards sources of pleasure, and if we wish to be spiritually aware creatures living in a material and sensory world then it might be helpful to develop ways to assess our desires, to consider them as messages from ourselves to ourselves, as well as from the world in which we live. Today is not the day to explore the nature of our addictions but most of us carry an addictive streak one way or another – be that for the traditional addictions of tobacco, alcohol, drugs prescription or otherwise, or addictions that hide in other forms – for work or exercise or certain foods or being right or having to do things in a certain way. Swiss Psychiatrist Carl Jung wrote extensively about addiction, about human desire as ultimately a spiritual yearning, a longing for another dimension beyond the material plane. He wrote about one of his clients

“His craving for alcohol was the equivalent on a low level of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God.”

A thirst for wholeness. That touches something important for me – I wonder if it does for you – the sense that perhaps many of our yearnings are an expression of a perceived lack. A sense that something is missing, that we are experiencing an emptiness. And that there is a possibility for fulfilment if only we can become clear what the lack is really all about. I’ll be forever grateful to the therapist who in my twenties encouraged me to express my envy of another – an emotion that had been discouraged in my family when I was growing up. He taught me that envy is a useful signpost, telling me of a place I’d like to strive for in life; no longer an emotion to hide or feel ashamed of, merely a message about a path that might be calling to me. Simply a sensation, waiting to be explored.

I think everyone was given a sheet of paper as you came in today – containing a mighty list of possible needs. For those of you listening on a podcast you can find this list online by searching for the Center for Non-Violent Communication or NVC as they are also known. NVC does not claim that this list is complete but they list possible human needs under seven headings: a need for communication, for connection, for physical well-being, for honesty, for play, for peace, for autonomy, and a need for meaning. Within all human interactions NVC would say, are needs and the more weexplore these needs both in ourselves and others then the more authentic and effective will be our communication. It is so very human to seek to meet an unmet need in a roundabout sort of way that may end up causing more difficulties, resulting too often in a greater sense of estrangement. As a teacher I’ll always remember the children who sought attention through challenging behaviour and in doing so caused more disturbance and then received less of the love, care and acceptance that they were really yearning for. It is painful to watch this in children. It’s even more poignant to realise that the unmet needs of our childhoods are affecting most of our adult lives. For me, the greatest gift that NVC’s list of possible needs offers is the realisation that just as I have needs so do other people – and the more we can use conversation to express and explore our needs the more potential we have for true dialogue, true understanding, true love.

At the bottom of the sheet of paper is a version of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which again can be found online (or do ask me for a copy if you are interested). This was a theory that he developed over decades. In this, its later version, Maslow developed his idea that we are all ultimately seeking what he described as self-actualization – realising our fullest potential and experiencing life’s peak experiences, and took this one stage further. He recognized that we also have needs for transcendence, for going beyond the limitations of self – to a stage in which we seek the fulfilment of others – an acknowledgement of our responsibilities to help others. I don’t think I’m the only one here today that believes if we live for ourselves alone our lives lack meaning – for we are bound one to another in a circle of caring – we are called to care for others and for ourselves and for this beautiful and troubled world of ours on which we live our days. So let’s choose to live well, to live deeply and authentically, and to support others in doing the same.

Rev. Sarah Tinker

Sermon – 15th March 2015