We Need Each Other

Sunday Service, 26 October 2025

Led by Rev. Dr. Jane Blackall

Musical Prelude: Tabhair dom do lámh (Give Me Your Hand) (performed by Tara McCarthy, Phoebe Harty & Jess Collins)  

Opening Words: ‘It Is Good to Be Together’ by Alison Wohler (adapted)

With thankful hearts

we come together this morning

to celebrate the bounty of the day,

to bask in the warmth of this community,

to share with friends the tides of our lives,

to entertain, perennially, our hopes for a better future.

We join together, as always,

to resist injustice and inequality,

wherever they may be found.

Our hearts are touched

by the human need we feel around us,

whether far away or within reach of our hand.

And we feel our own needs too.

So we come here, to be together,

because this is how we believe

our lives are best lived:

in questioning and in conversation,

in compassion and in service,

in gratitude and in joy,

in companionship, and in love.

And it is good to be together with you this morning, once again. (pause)

Words of Welcome and Introduction: 

These words from Alison Wohler welcome all who have gathered this morning for our Sunday service. Welcome to those who have gathered in-person at Essex Church, to all who are joining us via Zoom, and anyone tuning in at a later date via YouTube or listening to the podcast stream.  For anyone who doesn’t know me, I’m Jane Blackall, and I’m minister with Kensington Unitarians.

Our service today is titled ‘We Need Each Other’. There’s something about the culture and the times we’re living in that seems to be in denial of that simple truth.  It seems to me that a lot of emphasis is placed on self-reliance, and independence, and it can lead us to be ashamed of seeming ‘needy’. But of course ‘no one is an island’ and we are all ‘caught in an inescapable network of mutuality’ – to quote two well-worn sayings from John Donne and Martin Luther King which encapsulate this wisdom which we surely know in our hearts – if we are to thrive and flourish in life, if everyone is going to get their needs met, we must all engage in a healthy process of give and take with others. So this morning we’re going to reflect on our place in all that (and I’m going to encourage you to own your own neediness!) As Erik Erikson once said: ‘Life doesn't make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.’

Chalice Lighting: ‘Our Light’ by David Breeden

Let’s light our chalice flame now, as we do each week. It’s a moment for us to stop and take a breath, settle ourselves down, put aside any preoccupations we came in carrying. This simple ritual connects us in solidarity with Unitarians and Unitarian Universalists the world over, and reminds us of the proud and historic progressive religious tradition of which this gathering is part.

(light chalice) 

Our light is the light of the sun,

keeper of all we love;

our light is the light of the earth,

provider of sustenance;

our light is the light of all living things,

lives precious like our own.

our light is the light of each of us,

bound together in need and hope;

our light is the light of the cosmos,

keeper of all we know.

Hymn 21 (purple): ‘Come and Find the Quiet Centre’

Our first hymn this morning is number 21 in your purple books: ‘Come and Find the Quiet Centre’. For those on zoom the words will be up on screen. Feel free to stand or sit as you prefer.

Come and find the quiet centre

in the crowded life we lead,

find the room for hope to enter,

find the space where we are freed:

clear the chaos and the clutter,

clear our eyes, that we can see

all the things that really matter,

be at peace, and simply be.

Silence is a friend who claims us,

cools the heat and slows the pace;

God it is who speaks and names us,

knows our being, touches base,

making space within our thinking,

lifting shades to show the sun,

raising courage when we’re shrinking,

finding scope for faith begun.

In the Spirit let us travel,

open to each other’s pain;

let our lives and fears unravel,

celebrate the space we gain:

there’s a place for deepest dreaming,

there’s a time for heart to care;

in the Spirit’s lively scheming

there is always room to spare.

Candles of Joy and Concern:

Each week when we gather together, we share a simple ritual of candles of joy and concern, an opportunity to light a candle and share something that is in our heart with the community. So we’ve an opportunity now, for anyone who would like to do so, to light a candle and say a few words about what it represents. We’ll go to the people in the building first, then to Zoom.

So I invite some of you here in person to come and light a candle and then if you wish to tell us who or what you light your candle for – please keep it brief – be considerate of others. I’m going to ask you to come to the lectern to speak, as we want people to be able to hear you. 

(in person candles)  

And if that’s everyone in the room we’ll go over to the people on Zoom next – you might like to switch to gallery view at this stage – just unmute yourselves when you are ready and speak out – and we should be able to hear you and see you up on the big screen here in the church.

(zoom candles)  

And I’m going to light one more candle, as we often do, to represent all those joys and concerns that we hold in our hearts this day, but which we don’t feel able to speak out loud. (light candle)

Time of Prayer & Reflection: based on words by Bruce Southworth

Let’s take those joys and concerns into an extended time of prayer. This prayer is based on some words by Bruce Southworth. You might want to adjust your position for comfort, close your eyes, or soften your gaze. There might be a posture that helps you feel more prayerful. Whatever works for you. Do whatever you need to do to get into the right state of body and mind for us to pray together – to be fully present here and now, in this sacred time and space – with ourselves, with each other, and with that which is both within us and beyond us. (pause)

Spirit of Life, God of All Love, in whom we live and move and have our being,

   we turn our full attention to you, the light within and without,

      as we tune in to the depths of this life, and the greater wisdom

         to which – and through which – we are all intimately connected.

      Be with us now as we allow ourselves to drop into the

         silence and stillness at the very centre of our being. (pause)

At moments like this we gather, each alone in our solitude.

May we embrace this moment, in silence, allowing

the gentle breath to clear our minds,

and soothe our weary souls.

At moments like these we try to put aside

the daily obstacles, the headaches and irritations;

we try to lay down our worries about the world’s troubles

and open ourselves to the pulse of Life, the flow of Life.

We may carry with us fears and hopes about health or illness,

about work or relationships, about success or failure;

for a moment we seek to set them aside too,

and take time to nurture our deepest selves…

We know that we need one another

and we must keep faith with one another

if we are to keep faith with the world –

to play our part in making peace and justice –

to live each day with generosity and mercy –

to do the holy work of Love.

In this quiet time, when we open ourselves to the depths,

may we sense and know the Spirit of Life and Love within us –

ever at hand – guiding and sustaining - so the strength we need

and the compassion the world needs will come to us

in our times of trial and transformation. (pause)

And in a few moments of quietness now, let us seek a higher perspective, a longer view;

starting right where we are, let us shift our awareness ever outward, in circles of concern.

Let us bring to mind those we know to be struggling this day – perhaps including ourselves –

those friends and family we hold dearest – our neighbours in community –

others around the globe we may only have heard about on the news.

And let us take time to send prayers of loving kindness to all who suffer. (longer pause)

Let us take stock of our own lives – the challenges we face – and our part in those difficulties –

perhaps we are all too aware of mistakes we have made, or missed opportunities –

times in this week where things didn’t turn out how we intended or had hoped.

And let us take time to ask for what we need to start afresh this week and do better. (longer pause)

Let us look back over the last week, taking time to notice what was good, to count our blessings –

all the ways in which others helped or encouraged us, inspired or delighted us –

all the goodness and beauty we have known even in the midst of struggle.

And let us take time to give prayers of thanks for all we have been given. (longer pause)

Spirit of Life – God of all Love – as this time of prayer comes to a close, we offer up

   our joys and concerns, our hopes and fears, our beauty and brokenness,

      and we call on you for insight, healing, and renewal.

As we look forward now to the coming week,

     help us to live well each day and be our best selves;

     using our unique gifts in the service of love, justice and peace. Amen.

In-Person Reading: ‘What Do People Need?’ by Benjamin Zephaniah (read by Brian)

People need people,

To walk to

To talk to

To cry and rely on,

People will always need people.

To love and to miss

To hug and to kiss,

It’s useful to have other people.

To whom to moan

If you’re all alone,

It’s so hard to share

When no one is there.

There’s not much to do

When there’s no one but you.

People will always need people.

To please

To tease

To put you at ease,

People will always need people.

To make life appealing

And give life some meaning,

It’s useful to have other people.

It you need a change

To whom will you turn.

If you need a lesson

From whom will you learn.

If you need to play

You’ll know why I say

People will always need people.

As girlfriends

As boyfriends

From Bombay

To Ostend,

People will always need people-

To have friendly fights with

And share tasty bites with,

It’s useful to have other people.

People live in families

Gangs, posses and packs,

Its seems we need company

Before we relax,

So stop making enemies

And let’s face the facts,

People will always need people,

Yes

People will always need people.

Hymn (on sheet): ‘We Belong to One Another’

Let’s sing again – our second hymn is on your hymn sheet – ‘We Belong to One Another’. I’m not totally convinced we’ve learned this one yet so let’s hear it through once before we sing.

We belong to one another. To each other we are bound

As we build a world together full of joy that we have found.

What we are we owe to others. When they need us, we respond.

We belong to one another and we hold a common bond.

We rely on one another at the dawning of our days

When we learn from those around us how to live in loving ways.

As we grow, we need each other and the gifts that we can share.

As our lives come to their ending, how we need each other’s care.

We give thanks for one another, for each heart and hand and face.

We are grateful for the blessings that infuse our lives with grace.

May we offer our abundance. As we’re given, may we give.

In our thanks for one another, may we help each other live.

In-Person Reading: ‘Keeping Our Connections Strong’ by Sean Parker Dennison (read by David)

I feel like I’m on a constant hunt for hope these days. I have to be: every time I look at my phone or open my laptop, I’m overwhelmed by stories of violence, disrespect for life, greed, and selfishness. When I listen to my friends and loved ones or to conversations in coffee shops, it feels like everyone is dispirited and disheartened. And that is dangerous.

The danger of hopelessness is a double danger. First, hopelessness makes us feel it’s useless to take action. It fools us into believing there’s nothing we can do, or that our efforts won’t make a difference. Once we abandon hope, there’s no stopping the momentum of the unscrupulous who are willing to cooperate with evil in order to get ahead.

The other danger of hopelessness is that we can lose each other. In times of hopelessness, it’s easy to get scared of everything and everyone. It’s easy to start believing that your neighbour is the problem and that hoarding is a better strategy than generosity. The problem is that when community starts to break down, we lose the most important source of hope we have: each other.

The message of hope that still blazes bright for me in these hard times is that I am not alone. I don’t have to face the world alone and I don’t have to fix the world alone. When I need hope, I find it in on the faces of my people. I find it in their hearts, when we find each other again and stop hiding out, thinking we are the only one. I find it when we come together in community to sing, to bless one another, to mourn, to strategize. What we need is hope… and for that, we have each other.

Dennison concludes with a few words of prayer: Spirit of Life and Love, in these times when so much seems difficult, help us remember that we are not alone. We have each other. Help keep our connections strong and remind us that kindness, generosity and trust are antidotes to fear. Help us remember that our hope and our power grow when we are faithful to our deepest commitments and to each other. May we rise up to do the work of Love again and again. Amen.

Words for Meditation: ‘Who Needs You? And Who Do You Need?’

We’re moving into a time of meditation now. To take us into stillness I’m going invite you to reflect on two simple but profound questions: Who needs you? And who do you need? For those of you who are here at the church in person I’ve given you a little slip of paper and a pen with which to note down whatever comes up in response to these questions; if you’re at home I’d encourage you to do something similar – get a pen and paper and write those questions on each side – who needs you? and who do you need? – and make a little mind-map of your responses as they arise. This invitation will take us into a few minutes of shared silence which will end with the sound of a bell. Then we’ll hear music for meditation. So let’s do what we need to do to get comfortable – maybe adjust your position – put your feet flat on the floor to ground yourself – close your eyes. As we always say, the words – this activity – is just an offering, so feel free to use this time to meditate in your own way.

So I encourage you first to reflect on the question ‘who needs you?’

Start close in, with the answers that seem most obvious, and work outward.

Maybe you have traditional ‘dependents’ – people you care for in a practical and material way –

children, or parents, spouses or partners – where you are helping meet their basic survival needs.

You might think of friends or neighbours for whom you provide social and emotional support.

You see them and know them. They rely on you for encouragement, good listening, wise counsel.

Perhaps there are community groups (like this one!) who need you to show up and join in, or help out, volunteering or donating, or simply to be present on a regular basis and build supportive connections.

Think about this question really broadly. There are artists that need you to be a receptive audience. Oppressed peoples or good causes that need your advocacy. Businesses that need your custom. You could even say humanity – or God – needs you to speak up for Goodness in this world.

And let’s shift to the other side now, to reflect on the question ‘who do you need?’

Again, maybe start close in, acknowledging the people who are already very present in your life,

very evidently supporting you from day to day, or being the ones you know you can call on in a crisis.

Family, friends, neighbours, community. Then think about it even more broadly. So many people are involved in meeting our needs for food, for health, for education, for inspiration, for delight.

And this question might make us aware of needs we have that are not currently getting met. Maybe acknowledge that too. Maybe you need someone to hang out and keep you company. Maybe you need someone to listen. Maybe you need someone to help you get your life in order.

Maybe you need to be more wholeheartedly embedded in community to feel a sense of belonging. Or you to engage in a good cause or a project which gives you a sense of meaning and purpose.

As we move into a period of shared silence now, I invite you to reflect on these questions,

and see what response arises in you this morning: Who Needs You? And Who Do You Need?

Period of Silence and Stillness (~3 minutes) – end with a bell  

Interlude: Hard Times (performed by Tara McCarthy, Phoebe Harty and Jess Collins)  

In-Person Reading: ‘We Need One Another’ by George E. Odell (read by Chloë)

We need one another when we mourn and would be comforted.

We need one another when we are in trouble and afraid.

We need one another when we are in despair, in temptation,

and need to be recalled to our best selves again.

We need one another when we would accomplish

some great purpose, and cannot do it alone.

We need one another in the hour of success,

when we look for someone to share our triumphs.

We need one another in the hour of defeat,

when with encouragement we might endure, and stand again.

We need one another when we come to die,

and would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey.

All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us.

Reflection: ‘We Need One Another’ by Rev. Dr. Jane Blackall

We need each other. It seems such an obvious thing to say, doesn’t it? But when I look at the world around me it sometimes seems to be a truth we have collectively forgotten.

Remarkably it’s 30 years now since Robert Putnam’s famous essay ‘Bowling Alone’ was published (the book that sprang from it came along a few years later). There was a time where this was being referenced left, right, and centre – the essay looked at the decline in ‘associational life’ in America in particular – but I think the same is true in the UK: we just don’t hang out with each other so much these days. And, I would guess, that trend has only accelerated in recent years, firstly as a result of austerity policies and public cuts, secondly due to the pandemic. A one-two punch that it’s hard to pick ourselves up from.

So many people are struggling. The cost of living is high and our margins are squeezed. Work, for many, is precarious. Many people are putting in long hours, or working multiple jobs, with unpredictable shift patterns, to make ends meet – this makes it hard to have much of a social life or regular commitments outside of work – there’s just not much time, energy, or money left for old-fashioned recreational activities at the end of the day. Many ordinary people have had to pick up more caring responsibilities too, or take on volunteering roles in the community, to try and make up for some of the lost support we might once have expected to get from our ailing public services. And almost everything is monetised these days; unbridled capitalism has robbed us of many of our public spaces.

When I look at the people around me, it is clear to me that too many are carrying too much. And they no longer have the capacity to nurture or maintain those crucial social connections that might actually help them to cope with everything they are carrying. I’m witnessing this personally – there’s a support group I’m part of – increasingly people are struggling to turn up to it, to give and receive the support that they crave, because life is just too demanding. It can feel impossible to set aside just an hour a week to care for self-and-others. Increasingly we’re too far gone to access the support we need. And as some crack under the strain, those who are still upright take on more responsibilities, which will likely push them further into overwhelm and isolation. It’s a vicious cycle.

Additionally, since Covid has been in circulation, it seems that people have (on average) become still more reclusive. The lockdowns left a lasting legacy. Far more of us are able to work from home these days, at least some of the time, and that’s feels like a good thing. I’m not knocking it! But it is another factor in increasing social isolation. This is not the only lasting effect of Covid though. Some of us are more conscious than we used to be about infection and managing risk – so we think twice about social gatherings. Some of us are still feeling the after-effects of infection and the chronic illness that results. Some of us have got out of the habit of socialising, or we’re in the grip of inertia, or we’ve fallen out of touch with old friends and feel awkward about reaching out to reconnect.

For a time it seemed as if social media would at least partly compensate for the decline in face-to-face interaction – people were migrating from in-person hangouts in the pub or club or café to Facebook and Twitter – but now these networks are regarded by many as toxic. They are no longer the virtual town squares that, for a time, they seemed to be. More and more people I know are walking away from social media for the sake of their sanity – it’s completely understandable – but that’s another channel of connection gone.

Research conducted this year, here in the UK, by ‘More in Common’ confirmed some of this picture. They reported that ‘the rise of social media and technology, the impact of the pandemic, the cost-of-living crisis and political fragmentation have all had lasting impacts on people’s relationships with those around them. [A] sense of distrust is particularly strong among young Britons, and those who feel economically insecure.’ People are feeling socially disconnected; they feel a loss of shared spaces and rituals. And all this yields a context ripe for populist voices to sweep in and sow further division.

As Sean Parker Dennison warned, in the reading we heard from David earlier, it’s all too easy to get into a negative feedback loop. He wrote: ‘The danger of hopelessness is that we can lose each other. In times of hopelessness, it’s easy to get scared of everything and everyone. It’s easy to start believing that your neighbour is the problem and that hoarding is a better strategy than generosity. The problem is that when community starts to break down, we lose the most important source of hope we have: each other.’

So far I’ve mainly been stating the problem – describing the situation we find ourselves in – but how might we go about resisting this dispiriting state of affairs – and pushing back on this trend towards isolation? I’m just going to highlight two actions that we might focus on – one requires a bit of inner work – the other we can only do together.

The first is to embrace our own neediness (and our capacity to help meet other’s needs). Both/And. In the game of give-and take, perhaps some of us tend to lean more one way or the other (or we might veer between the two poles at different times in our lives). And that’s OK; we’ve all been dealt different hands in life and some of us will just have more needs – will require more support – and others will have more resources to give. As Benjamin Zephaniah says, ‘people will always need people, to talk to, to cry and rely on’. Yet some of us will shudder at the thought that anyone would think of us as ‘needy’.

These days we hear a lot of warnings about codependency – this word is mainly used in the context of enmeshed personal relationships where there is a distinct ‘giver’ and a distinct ‘taker’. The giver routinely sacrifices their own needs and well-being for the other – they can end up exhausted and resentful – and their care and attention can end up harming the one on the receiving end too. What I hadn’t heard so much about until recently though was counterdependency – this is a dynamic where someone has a desire to be hyper-independent, self-reliant, apparently invulnerable – and such people won’t acknowledge they have any need of others and they won’t ask for help.

There has got to be a way between these two extremes – enmeshment on the one hand and determined isolation on the other – and that middle way is interdependence. Something we come back so often – it’s a key spiritual insight in many religious traditions. We can acknowledge our own needs, and acknowledge the needs of others too, and accept that there will be a life-long dance of give-and-take, where we will sometimes need to reach out and ask for help, and sometimes need to respond when others call on us, in turn. Remember, as Erik Erikson said, ‘Life doesn't make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.’ So let’s not be frightened to reach out to each other – to ask for help – and offer help.

I wonder what came up for you in the meditation. Who needs you? Who do you need? I wonder if one side of that question came more easily to you than the other. Maybe you could share your reflections with a trusted friend to see if you’re missing anything.

It’s not always possible for us to meet another’s needs – or for someone to meet ours – maybe our needs are incompatible – maybe life is so overwhelming that we need to attend to our own survival and we haven’t got any capacity to help others right now (think of the well-worn analogy of putting your own life-jacket on first – that’s valid). But we can tend to all our varied relationships – ‘nurture supportive connections’ as we often say – so that we are more securely embedded in a network of mutual caring when the going gets tough. We need to show up for each other in good times and bad.

And that brings me to my final point (you may have seen this coming). We need you. I need you. The existence of this congregation is dependent on the presence and the efforts of each and every one of us. Though I’m the one who gets paid to stand up here on a Sunday morning (and do all the other things that are on my job description) there is only so much I can do without the active engagement of other people who care. It’s not just about the obvious volunteering roles – greeting, making coffee, co-hosting, putting the chairs away – but the decision making and the paying of bills – turning up to support events, welcome newcomers, look out for people who are struggling. For this church to be here when you need it – it needs you – we need you – to get stuck in. To make a commitment to the community and show up in whatever ways you can.

Churches like ours are a wonderful place where we can practice give-and-take, hopefully get some of our own needs met, and help meet the needs of others. Given all that we’ve said about the rise of social isolation it seems vital that we do all we can – together – to increase our capacity to be a space of welcome and connection.

I am going to close this reflection with an echo of the words of George Odell. Perhaps we can use them as a guide for the sort of space we’re co-creating here, and the needs we might hope to meet for each other, in this beloved community.

We need one another when we mourn and would be comforted.

We need one another when we are in trouble and afraid.

We need one another when we are in despair, in temptation,

and need to be recalled to our best selves again.

We need one another when we would accomplish

some great purpose, and cannot do it alone.

We need one another in the hour of success,

when we look for someone to share our triumphs.

We need one another in the hour of defeat,

when with encouragement we might endure, and stand again.

We need one another when we come to die,

and would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey.

All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us.  Amen.

Hymn (on sheet): ‘Goodnight Hymn’

Let’s sing again, one last time, and it’s one of my favourites. On your hymn sheet: ‘Goodnight Hymn’. Let’s overlook the fact that it’s the middle of the day and sing this as a blessing.

To you each, my friends, tonight

I give thanks for company;

We have shared the inner light:

May that light go forth with thee.

May we give each other power –

Live with courage every hour.

As we face the coming week,

With its worries and its strife,

Strength and wisdom let us seek

In this hour’s remembered life.

May we give each other power –

Live with courage every hour.

In our homes and in the street,

In a world with sadness rife,

May we show to all we meet

Glory that we find in life.

May we give each other power –

Live with courage every hour. 

To you each, my friends, tonight

I give thanks for company;

We have shared the inner light:

May that light go forth with thee.

May we give each other power –

Live with courage every hour.

Announcements:

Thanks to Ramona for hosting and Lochlann for co-hosting. Thanks to Tara, Phoebe and Jess for lovely music today – as ever – to Andrew for accompanying our hymns, and Benjie for supporting our singing. Thanks to Brian, David, and Chloë for reading. Thanks to Juliet for greeting and Liz for making coffee. If you are in-person do stay for cake (I’ve made coffee and walnut cake this week). And why not stay a bit longer to sing with Margaret in her ‘Find Your Voice’ class. I’m reliably informed that she can coax a better sound out of any of us!

The Better World Book Club is talking about ‘Chasing the Scream’ by Johann Hari tonight. If you’ve told me you’re coming you should have the link – give me a shout if you haven’t had it. Next month we’re reading ‘The Transgender Issue’ by Shon Faye and we have a few copies to loan out.

Friday at 7pm we’ve got our ‘Heart and Soul’ online contemplative spiritual gathering – this week our theme is ‘Paying Attention’ – email me if you want to join us and I’ll share the link.

Sonya is back with Nia Dance from this coming Friday at 12.30pm.

Next Sunday it’s our All Souls service – a chance to honour those people we love who have died.  

Details of all our various activities are printed on the back of the order of service, for you to take away, and also in the Friday email.  The congregation very much has a life beyond Sunday mornings; we encourage you to keep in touch, look out for each other, and do what you can to nurture supportive connections. Just time for our closing words and closing music now.  

Benediction: based on words by Cliff Reed

It matters that we come together when we can,

not just for what each may gain

but for what we each may contribute

by our presence and participation.

For if we want our church to be there for us, when we

most need it, then we must be there for our church too.

And if we want others to be there for us in our times of need,

then we must show up for them when they need us as well.

So, in the week to come, as we go about our daily lives,

may we remain aware of our deep interdependence with each other,

and truly know that we belong to this beloved community, our spiritual home. Amen.

Closing Music: Inis Oirr / The Reconciliation Reel (performed by Tara McCarthy, Phoebe Harty and Jess Collins)  

Rev. Dr. Jane Blackall

26th October 2025