Both/And – 10/09/23

Musical Prelude: La ci darem la mano from Don Giovanni – Mozart (played by George Ireland)

Opening Words: ‘This Hour of Worship’ by Carolyn S. Owen-Towle (adapted)

Let us enter into this hour of worship –
this time and space dedicated to
all that is most worthy in this life,
the depths and the heights of it all –
let us give our undivided attention
to what really matters, just for a while.

Come, bringing all of who you are –
all your busy thoughts and big emotions,
your complications and your contradictions –
rest and quiet your week-worn spirit, for you are here
to touch again eternal springs of hope and renewal.

Calm your hurried, harried, pace –
and claim this precious chance to find perspective –
for this hour let the cares, the fretfulness and worry be set aside.
Forgive yourself—you are so very worthy of moving on,
of making new efforts, of trying again – it’s a new day.

And know that you are not alone in all this. Look around.
There is strength and caring support for you here.
You will find comfort and kindness if you but ask.
You are a part of this community, if you choose it.
And you can make it what you will.

So let us join our hearts together as we enter
into this precious hour of worship. (pause)

Words of Welcome and Introduction:

These opening words – by Carolyn Owen-Towle – welcome all who have bravely gathered in the heat this morning for our Sunday service. Welcome to those of you who have gathered in-person at Essex Church and also to all who are joining us via Zoom from far and wide. Whoever you are, however you are, wherever you are, you are welcome here this morning just as you are. For anyone who doesn’t know me, my name is Jane Blackall, and I’m Minister with Kensington Unitarians.

In this morning’s service we’re going to pick up from last week’s Heart and Soul theme: we’ll be exploring the spiritual significance of embracing life’s contradictions, leaning into paradox, and attempting to get beyond the habit of ‘Either/Or’ thinking to live in the spirit of ‘Both/And’.

The theme of this service was originally inspired by a curious little aside in the autobiography of Richard Holloway, one-time Bishop of Edinburgh, who was in the end perhaps far too progressive to sit comfortably in the church he was part of. Holloway spoke ‘The Parable of the Two Tunes’ (an idea borrowed from John Saxbee) as a metaphor for liberal religion: apparently the composer Charles Ives discovered as a boy that he could hear two tunes in his head at the same time, and follow them both faithfully, in parallel. And Holloway says that this is what liberal religious people do: they listen to the best ‘tunes’ of the religious tradition they have grown up in, or emerged out of (Christianity) but, he says, at the same time “they also listen to the best tunes of the times in which they live, its science and philosophy and ethics and its struggles with human change and discovery. Living that way, being faithful to two tunes at the same time, produces tension, but it is an honest tension, a creative tension.” I am drawn this idea that ‘listening to two tunes at once’ is a key feature of a progressive religious tradition like ours. And that seemed a good reason to spend an hour pondering what it might mean for us to live in the ‘Both/And’.

Before we go any further let’s do what we often do and take a moment to check in with ourselves. Each week this moment comes round, here we are again, somehow we made it to Sunday morning. We each stop what we’re doing, we temporarily put aside all our duties and our distractions, we set them down for an hour while we attend to what matters most in life. Being here now. Present. Together. So let’s remember why we came here and honour that intention. And let’s do what we each need to do to ground ourselves in the here and now – you’ll know how best to do that for yourself – maybe through adjusting your posture or paying attention to your next breath.

Chalice Lighting: ‘For the Dark and the Light’ by Frances Koziar

Let’s light our chalice flame now, as we do each week. This simple ritual connects us in solidarity with Unitarians and Unitarian Universalists the world over, and reminds us of the proud and historic progressive religious tradition of which we are a part.

(light chalice)

May we light this chalice this to remind us
of the power and beauty of balance and contrast.

A chalice flame is the meeting point, the union of the refuge, safety,
and incredible beauty of darkness, and the warmth, the assurance, and the joy of light.

May this act of lighting our chalice remind us that we are stronger together,
in all the complexities and challenges of being in relationship,
because we are different, and because we are one.

Hymn 172 (green): ‘All Are Welcome Here’

Let’s sing together now. Our first hymn is number 172 in your green book – ‘All Are Welcome Here’. For those joining via Zoom the words will be up on your screen to sing along at home. Feel free to stand or sit as you prefer as we sing.

Now open wide your hearts, my friends,
And I will open mine,
And let us share all that is fair,
All that is true and fine.

We gather in this meeting house –
People of many kinds:
Let us, below the surface, seek
A meeting of true minds.

For in our company shall be
Great witnesses of light:
The Buddha, Krishna, Jesus – those
Gifted with clearest sight.

Like them, we seek to know ourselves,
To seek, in spite of fear;
To open wide, to all, our hearts –
For all are welcome here.

Candles of Joy and Concern:

Each week when we gather together, we share a simple ritual of candles of joy and concern, an opportunity to light a candle and share something that is in our heart with the community. So we’ve an opportunity now, for anyone who would like to do so, to light a candle and say a few words about what it represents. This time we’re going to go to the people in the building first, and take all of those in one go, and then I’ll call on the people on Zoom to come forward.

So I invite some of you here in person to come and light a candle and then if you wish to tell us briefly who or what you light your candle for. Please do get up close to the microphone as that will help everyone hear (including the people at home). You can take the microphone out of the stand if it’s not at a good height and have it microphone pointing right at your mouth. And if you can’t get to the microphone give me a wave and I’ll bring it over to you. Thank you.

(in person candles)

And if that’s everyone in the room we’ll go over to the people on Zoom next – you might like to switch to gallery view at this stage – just unmute yourselves when you are ready and speak out – and we should be able to hear you and see you up on the big screen here in the church.

(zoom candles)

And I’m going to light one more candle, as we often do, to represent all those joys and concerns that we hold in our hearts this day, but which we don’t feel able to speak out loud. (light candle)

Time of Prayer & Reflection: based on words by Lyn Cox

And let’s take those joys and concerns into an extended time of prayer now. This prayer is partly based on some words by Lyn Cox. You might first want to adjust your position for comfort, close your eyes, or soften your gaze. There might be a posture that helps you feel more prayerful. Whatever works for you. Do whatever you need to do to get into the right state of body and mind for us to pray together – to be fully present here and now, in this sacred time and space – with ourselves, with each other, and with that which is both within us and beyond us. (pause)

Spirit of Life, God of All Love, in whom we live and move and have our being,
we turn our full attention to you, the light within and without,
as we tune in to the depths of this life, and the greater wisdom
to which – and through which – we are all intimately connected.
Be with us now as we allow ourselves to drop into the
silence and stillness at the very centre of our being. (pause)

Spirit of Life, God of All Love, ever adapting and renewing,
we come together with a muddle of contradictory yearnings:

We yearn for stability, for even one moment
of feeling like we know what is going on,
for the ability to predict and prepare for what is coming next.

Yet we also yearn for change. We ache for a world that
turns aside from injustice, oppression, and disregard for suffering.
We pray for transformation in the illness, grief,
isolation, and vulnerability of our loved ones, and all beings.

Cherish us in the eternal presence of love,
and encourage us on the path of growth.
Help us to become who we are called to be.
Lead us to open pathways to deeper wisdom
through respect, reconciliation, and compassion,
owning and making amends for our mistakes.

Hold us in the heart of Both-And. Cradle us in the mystery.
Move us to live in gratitude for the beauty of this world,
the loving people in our lives, and this day of possibility. (pause)

In a few quiet moments let us take some time to pray inwardly the prayers of our own hearts;
calling to mind all those souls we know to be suffering this day, whether close to home,
or on the other side of the world. Let us hold all these sacred beings in the light of love. (pause)

Let us also pray for ourselves; we too are sacred beings who face our own daily struggles
and muddle through life’s ups and downs. So let us take a few moments to reflect on our own lives,
and ask for what we most need this day – comfort, courage, or guidance – to flourish. (pause)

And let us take just a little longer to remember the good things in life and give thanks for them.
Those moments in the past week where we’ve encountered kindness, beauty, pleasure, or fun.
Let us cultivate a spirit of gratitude as we recall all those moments that lifted our spirits. (pause)

Spirit of Life – God of all Love – as this time of prayer comes to a close, we offer up
our joys and concerns, our hopes and fears, our beauty and brokenness,
and we call on you for insight, healing, and renewal.

As we look forward now to the coming week,
help us to live well each day and be our best selves;
using our unique gifts in the service of love, justice and peace. Amen

Hymn 42 (green): ‘A Dream of Widening Love’

Let’s sing together now. Our next hymn is number 42 in your green hymn books, ‘A Dream of Widening Love’. The words will be up on screen as usual. Feel free to stand or sit as you prefer.

We rest awhile in quietness,
The world not to forget,
But rather shape the silence
And words and thoughts we’ve met
To nobler ways of living,
To hope-filled truth, above
Our narrow selves, to seek one
Great dream of widening love.

We share a world where sorrow
And poverty and greed
Live side by side with privilege
Of wealth beyond true need;
Yet though we cannot alter
All ways of humankind,
We ask a strength within us
To right the wrongs we find.

We know that strength is weakened
By narrow truths and fears,
That still we claim true knowledge,
Deny the changing years:
Yet here, within the silence,
We question what we know,
That through more honest persons
All humankind may grow.

To find Eternal Meaning
Deep in each passing hour,
To seek beyond the confines
Of our small powers, one Power.
Strength deep within our being,
Arise as hope and will:
Come, silent living Spirit,
With peace our spirits fill.

In-Person Reading: ‘Beyond Either/Or’ by Amy Zucker Morgenstern (excerpts, adapted) (Hannah to read)

This piece, by Amy Zucker Morgenstern, is an excerpt from an essay she wrote for a collection of LGBTQ+ voices in Unitarian Universalism. Amy writes on the ways in which her outlook on life as a bisexual woman resonates with her religious life as a Jewish, Buddhist, Unitarian Universalist. She writes:

Either/or choices make me suspicious. When presented with a confident statement that two things stand on the opposite sides of an unbridgeable divide, I reflexively ask whether they are really mutually exclusive. Material and spiritual, male and female, liberal and conservative —when two things are said to be opposites, I try to ask: what category might encompass both of these, synthesize them into a whole?

Being a both/and thinker serves me well as a minister, particularly in the role of community-builder. Part of my job is finding a way for opposites to dwell together in peace. And theologically, I am committed to moving beyond the choices that are often presented to us as either/or, and to leading others past those unreal boundaries. I was well-trained in the habit of seeking both/and answers to either/or questions by my late teens. So when I discovered, around that time, that the world was not divided into heterosexual and homosexual, as I’d thought, but included many people who were romantically drawn to more than one gender, I already stood on a foundation that made that fact unsurprising, easy to accept, and, ultimately, attractive to apply to myself.

The desire to go beyond either/or also brought me to Unitarian Universalism and kept me here. I had been brought up Jewish, and the stories and rituals of that faith still meant a great deal to me even when I started searching for something else. I had found great wisdom in Buddhism and embraced much of its teaching. But neither one of those traditions was quite the right home for my spirit. And then I went to my first UU congregation, and discovered a place where I could be Jewish and Buddhist and this great new (to me) thing called Unitarian Universalist, and where no one would force me to choose just one. It was a religion that allowed room for each of us to keep adding new ideas, theologies, practices, and ethical perspectives: where the assumption that met such changes would not be “You can’t do that,” but “Let’s see how that fits in!” This was a both/and religion, one that had successfully challenged so many rules of society and theology and shown them to be illusions. As I learned more about my newly adopted religion, I felt more and more that this was a religion that thought the way I did, deliberately turning the false choices of either/ors into the inclusivity of both/ands.

I’m not both/and about everything. I believe there are ideas that are mutually exclusive; I believe there are actions that are incompatible with certain desired outcomes. Much of ethics is about delineating, “If you choose A, then B will be necessarily excluded.” For example, we can’t both maintain solidarity with the poor and promote an economic system that depends on keeping people in poverty. In short, there are limits to both/and-ness. Yet the habit of thinking that seeks to rise above false either/or choices and give a more inclusive answer is one of the gifts we Unitarians have to offer the world.

Meditation: ‘On Paradox and Contradiction’

Thanks Hannah. We’re moving into a time of meditation now. I’m going to share a few quotes connected to our theme (which might be familiar to those who came along to Heart and Soul last week where we were exploring ‘Contradiction’). The words will take us into about three minutes of silence which will end with the sound of a bell. Then we’ll hear some lovely music from George to continue the meditative mood. So let’s each do what we need to do to get comfortable – adjust your position if you need to – put your feet flat on the floor to ground yourself – close your eyes. As we always say, the words are an offering, feel free to use this time to meditate in your own way.

Walt Whitman famously wrote: ‘Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)’

Czesław Miłosz wrote: ‘I’ve always regretted that I’m made of contradictions.
But, if contradiction is impossible to overcome, we have to accept both its ends.’

Maxine Hong Kingston wrote: ‘I learned to make my mind large,
as the universe is large, so that there is room for contradictions.’

Madeleine L’Engle wrote: ‘When I start a new seminar I tell my students
that I will undoubtedly contradict myself, and that I will mean both things.
But an acceptance of contradiction is no excuse for fuzzy thinking. We do have to
use our minds as far as they will take us, yet acknowledge that they cannot take us all the way.’

Barry Lopez wrote: ‘One must live in the middle of contradiction,
because if all contradiction were eliminated at once, life would collapse.
There are simply no definitive answers to some of the great pressing questions.
You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.’

So I invite you to take those thoughts on contradiction in a few minutes of shared stillness now.

Period of Silence and Stillness (~3 minutes) – end with a bell

Musical Interlude: 3-part invention in F minor, BWV 795 – Bach (played by George Ireland)

Reflection: ‘Both/And’ by Rev. Dr. Jane Blackall

It seems to me that we don’t have to look very hard to find examples of either/or thinking; it sometimes seems to be the dominant mode of operation in the world around us and it is a habit that I’m sure most of us fall into at times. When faced with a complex and confusing world it’s hardly surprising that there’s a temptation to cope with it by simplifying, segregating, dividing everything up into neat categories, by polarising issues and debates, by identifying ‘them’ and ‘us’.

And it is very easy to divide the world into goodies versus baddies – this is temptation I give in to on a regular basis as I think of certain politicians and I despair at their actions and attitudes – but at the same time I’m aware that the consequences of such black-and-white thinking can be pretty grim. Just think of the words used many times throughout history, but most famously in our time by George W. Bush: ‘you’re either with us, or against us’. And think about where that sort of outlook tends to lead.

Our media seems to prefer simple narratives, with no ambiguity, complexity, or contradiction (and it seems likely that this preference has been to the detriment of our politics and public discourse). One example that comes to mind is the way in which new scientific findings, first published in technical journals full of caution and nuance, buts and maybes, are often blown up and reduced to eye-catching and panic-inducing headlines screaming from the front of a certain shameless newspaper – you know the sort of thing – ‘now eating toast gives you foot-and-mouth disease’ (or something like that). Something that disregards any doubt or uncertainty that there might be in the original findings.

And we know, don’t we, that generally speaking life is not straightforward. It’s rarely simple. Even scientists are often dealing with probabilities and with data that is noisy and ambiguous. Life’s most pressing questions rarely admit clear answers, laid out in black-and-white. Whether it’s scientists, philosophers, or theologians – they all do their best to be rigorous and methodical – but they are all ultimately in the same boat as the rest of us humans trying to make sense of life. We all glean scraps of truth and insight from here and there and make what we can of them.

As I mentioned at the start of the service, Richard Holloway (quoting John Saxbee) claimed that one of the defining features of us liberal religious types is that we can “hear two tunes at once”. By this he means that we can be conscious of two sets of ideas which seem to be equally valid and justified, which both contain valuable truths, yet which also contain apparent contradictions.

Now some of you may already be familiar with the concept of “cognitive dissonance”. We all hold all sorts of ideas and beliefs about ourselves and about the world. When two of our ideas clash, and a discrepancy within us becomes apparent to us, when it seems that two of our own personal beliefs contradict each other, it results in an unpleasant state of tension, which is known as cognitive dissonance. And because this sensation of cognitive dissonance, this state of tension, is so psychologically intolerable, we are highly motivated to make it go away. It’s said that in our haste to make the bad feeling go away we are often led to exhibit some quite irrational or self-defeating behaviour. And one way of making cognitive dissonance go away – an easy way out, but a way that can be very costly to us – is just to ditch one of the apparently contradictory beliefs in favour of the other. That’s a quick fix. Or to uncritically take sides in a dispute. This is the either/or way of thinking: You can’t have it both ways. They can’t both be right so something’s got to give.

However, as you’ve probably gathered by now, I’m not having that. The point of today’s service is to speak up for the ‘both/and’ approach! There’s so much in our culture that tries to suggest that ‘either/or’ is the only way to be. Yet it is often possible to try and resolve apparent conflicts and contradictions by taking a ‘both/and’ perspective which tries to look for the bigger picture. It may well be that there is truth or worth or goodness on both sides and we are bound to lose out in some way if we force a choice when we don’t actually need to.

In the reading by Amy Zucker Morgenstern which Hannah read for us earlier, she claims: ‘As Unitarians, we inherit a great legacy from generations of people who heard all the “NOs” of either/or thinking and responded with a both/and, affirming, “Why not?”’

This preference for both/and thinking does indeed seem to be pretty important for Unitarians. I suspect that many of us here today might have ended up in a Unitarian community at least in part because of a feeling of unease with the clear-cut certainty that we tend to associate with some forms of religion (and indeed with the certainty of the anti-religious, as put about by the so-called “new atheists”, the likes of Dawkins et al., though their schtick is not feeling quite so box-fresh these days). As an aside, in the spirit of both-and-ness, I should acknowledge that this is a bit of a caricature of two quite fundamentalist positions; there are thoughtful and non-dogmatic people in most traditions. However, we liberal religious types are inclined to glean wisdom from wherever it can be found, we have a particular commitment to seek connections and be bridge-builders… and it’s worth acknowledging that this can be quite a hard place to be. You can end up being criticised by people on both sides of the (apparent) divide. But ‘both/and’ is, in itself, a reconciling, peace-building mentality.

Creative tension is an unavoidable feature of ‘both/and’ thinking. It’s not an easy state to be in but it can keep our thoughts open and alive, it can yield new insights and possibilities, and occasionally lead to win-win situations. But it feels really important to note – as Amy Zucker Morgenstern pointed out – we need to be alert to the limits of ‘both/and’ thinking too – we must recognise those situations where for the sake of justice we do need to take a particular side and take action. We need to be really mindful of the pitfalls of ‘both-sides-ism’ – something we see a lot of in the news media these days – a misguided attempt at balance (or at least the appearance of balance) which can create a false equivalence between positions that are not equally deserving of credit (that is, to live in the spirit of ‘both/and’ doesn’t require us to treat the opinions of, say, climate change deniers, as being equally valid to the consensus of climate scientists who have the weight of evidence behind their claims).

Of course, the both/and approach is not just about abstract ideas, religious beliefs, and political discourse. It can be applied to our everyday experiences: our emotions, and even our identities. Let’s think about some apparent contradictions we might experience in our emotional lives. We might love someone deeply and unreservedly…. and yet in a moment find them utterly incomprehensible and exasperating. Both the love and the exasperation can co-exist. And in my experience they very, very, frequently do. The love and the exasperation are both real and true and do not cancel each other out. Or we might be in the midst of deep sadness and grief… and then experience an unexpected moment of hilarity at some absurd situation. Both the sadness and the hilarity can co-exist. Neither one denies the reality or sincerity of the other. Life’s like that; it just keeps on rolling, and we won’t necessarily get a chance to deal with our feelings in an orderly manner, one at a time.

Whenever we are presented with an apparently binary choice in life, ‘you can have this or you can have that’, or ‘you can be this or you can be that’, we often can choose to look beyond the binary, if we need to, and ask if there are any other possibilities that don’t force us into choosing one or the other. When it comes to questions of identity it’s perhaps not so much about us making a choice to be neither this nor that, but about finding the words to express the underlying reality that already exists. Amy Zucker Morgenstern spoke of her realisation that there were other possibilities beyond heterosexual and homosexual, and she eventually identified as bisexual. And increasingly we hear the voices of people who identify their gender as non-binary, that is, their identity does not fit neatly within the conventional categories of male or female. In an ‘either/or’ world, these ‘both/and’ identities are often marginalised or invisible.

I found these words from Angeles Arrien to be helpful. She wrote: ‘In our later years…we will be rigorously challenged to transform opposition into paradox. The essential task is to allow all sides of an issue, or pairs of opposites, to exist in equal dignity and worth until the hidden unity is revealed. This is our initiation into the embodiment of wisdom, the entry point into spiritual maturation and personal transformation. When we shift our perspective to look beyond dualities, opposites and polarities, we can simultaneously consider many diverse options and possibilities… in our later years it becomes imperative to increase our capacity to hold creative tension, allowing far greater and more inclusive solutions and options to emerge. By befriending and strengthening our capacity to hold paradox, we can explore the realm of deep spiritual growth.’ (words by Angeles Arrien).

So where does that leave us? We need to find honourable ways to live with ambiguity, complexity and contradiction, to approach our finite and somewhat baffling lives with a bit of curiosity and humility, and do our best to integrate the apparent contradictions we trip over along the way. We’re never going to have it all worked out. But let’s see if we can embrace the spirit of ‘Both/And’.

In that spirit, I’ll conclude with an echo of the words from our meditation and also on our orders of service, those words by Barry Lopez. Just like he said: ‘One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once, life would collapse. There are simply no definitive answers to some of the great pressing questions. You just continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.’ May it be so, for the greater good of all. Amen.

Hymn 163 (green): ‘Those Who Seek Wisdom’

Time for our last hymn, number 163, ‘Those Who Seek Wisdom’. Again, stand or sit as you prefer, for hymn number 163.

Those who seek wisdom
Seek truth and courage,
Walk through the darkness,
Endure through the storm.

Those who meet wisdom
In youth or old age
Know that the wonder
Is always new-born.

They know the vision
In words is spoken.
They live the vision
Without words in deed.

Touching with loving
In healing the broken,
Touching with dreaming,
With vision they lead.

Rise out of weeping,
Joy in this hour.
Sing out our greeting
In this new-born day.

Now may our meeting
Rekindle the power
Of truth and courage
To walk in the way.

Announcements:

Thanks to Jeannene for tech-hosting and Charlotte for co-hosting. Thanks to Hannah for reading (and greeting). Thanks to George for lovely music (a particular tip of the hat to George in fact for going out of his way to find music linked to the theme). Thanks Julia for doing coffee. For those of you who are in-person, please do stay for a cuppa and some raspberry madeira cake after the service – it’s served in the hall next door. If you’re joining online hang on after for a chat with Charlotte.

We have various small group activities during the week. Heart and Soul, our contemplative spiritual gathering, takes place twice a week online it’s a great way to get to know people more deeply. Send Jane an email if you want to sign up for Sunday or Friday at 7pm. The theme is ‘Confidence’.

We’ll be back here at 10.30am next Sunday when I’ll be leading our harvest service. If you grow your own veg and you’ve got a giant marrow or a comedy parsnip to bring along for our table display that’d be appreciated. In fact I encourage you all to bring along a favourite item of fruit or veg!

Details of all our various activities are printed on the back of the order of service, for you to take away, and also in the Friday email. Please do sign up for the mailing list if you haven’t already. The congregation very much has a life beyond Sunday mornings; we encourage you to keep in touch, look out for each other, and do what you can to nurture supportive connections.

I think that’s everything. Just time for our closing words and closing music now.

Benediction: based on words by Tim Haley

We walk this earth but a brief moment in time.

Amid our struggles and uncertainties, however great or small,
let us continue to learn how to celebrate life in all its variety and contradiction.

Let us continue to grow in our capacity to love ourselves and each other.

And let us continue to move toward the goal of a better world,
a global community of peace, justice, joy and liberation for all.

Go forth this day in a renewed spirit of courage and hope
and with the wisdom to greet the week to come. Amen.

Closing Music: Paradox Trio from The Pirates of Penzance – Arthur Sullivan (played by George Ireland)

Rev. Dr. Jane Blackall

10th September 2023