Arriving at My Own Door – 5/5/24

Musical Prelude: Bach’s French Suite in E Major BWV 817 – Allemande (played by George Ireland)

Opening Words: ‘How We Are Called’ by Kirk D. Loadman-Copeland

We are called to gather in worship as a beloved community.
We are called to set aside distractions and anxieties,
that we might touch deeper springs and be renewed.
We are called to seek and to share comfort for the hurts that afflict.
We are called to desire more love, more justice, and life more abundant.
We are called to truth, to mercy, to humility, and to courage.
Let us answer the call with the yes of our lives. (pause)

Words of Welcome and Introduction:

These opening words by Kirk D. Loadman-Copeland welcome all who have gathered this morning, for our Sunday service. Welcome to those of you who have gathered in-person at Essex Church, to all who are joining us via Zoom from far and wide, and all who are part of our wider community watching on YouTube or listening via the podcast. It’s good to know you’re there – do get in touch to say hello. For anyone who doesn’t know me, my name is Jane Blackall, and I’m Minister with Kensington Unitarians.

This morning’s service theme was chosen in connection with Mental Health Awareness Week (we’re a bit early – it actually starts a week on Monday). Later in the service, Roy Clark will offer his personal reflections on depression in his address titled ‘Arriving at My Own Door’. In preparing for this service it occurred to me that there’s so much more to be said about the diversity of experience of mental health and mental illness so we’re just making a start today. You can be sure this is a subject we’ll return to later in the year.

Chalice Lighting: ‘Fully Present’ by Laura Dobson

Let’s light our chalice flame now, as we do each week. It’s a moment for us to settle down; to lay down any kerfuffle or agitation we came in carrying, to focus our attention in the here and now, as we co-create this sacred space. This simple ritual connects us in solidarity with Unitarians and Unitarian Universalists the world over, and reminds us of the proud and historic progressive religious tradition of which this gathering is part.

(light chalice)

The lighting of our chalice flame invites
our full and simple presence, in this moment.
As we move through this day, and every day,
may we be fully and simply present to ourselves;
fully and simply present to each other;
fully and simply present to the world around us;
grateful for the breath of life in our bodies
and this planet we are blessed to share.

Hymn 191 (green): ‘To Worship Rightly’

Let’s sing together now. Our first hymn is a classic: it’s number 191 in your green books, ‘To Worship Rightly’. For those joining via Zoom the words will be up on screen. Feel free to stand or sit as you prefer.

Now let us sing in loving celebration;
The holier worship, which our God may bless,
Restores the lost, binds up the spirit broken,
And feeds the widow and the parentless.
Fold to thy heart thy sister and thy brother;
Where pity dwells, the peace of God is there;
To worship rightly is to love each other;
Each smile a hymn, each kindly deed a prayer.

Follow with reverent steps the great example
Of those whose holy work was doing good:
So shall the wide earth seem our daily temple,
Each loving life a psalm of gratitude.
Then shall all shackles fall; the stormy clangour
Of wild war-music o’er the earth shall cease;
Love shall tread out the baleful fire of anger,
And in its ashes plant the tree of peace.

Candles of Joy and Concern:

Each week when we gather together, we share a simple ritual of candles of joy and concern, an opportunity to light a candle and share something that is in our heart with the community. So we’ve an opportunity now, for anyone who would like to do so, to light a candle and say a few words about what it represents. This time we’re going to go to the people in the building first, and take all of those in one go, and then I’ll call on the people on Zoom to come forward.

So I invite some of you here in person to come and light a candle and then if you wish to tell us briefly who or what you light your candle for. Please do get up close to the microphone as that will help everyone hear (including the people at home). You can take the microphone out of the stand if it’s not at a good height and have it microphone pointing right at your mouth. And if you can’t get to the microphone give me a wave and I’ll bring it over to you. Thank you.

(in person candles)

And if that’s everyone in the room we’ll go over to the people on Zoom next – you might like to switch to gallery view at this stage – just unmute yourselves when you are ready and speak out – and we should be able to hear you and see you up on the big screen here in the church.

(zoom candles)

And I’m going to light one more candle, as we often do, to represent all those joys and concerns that we hold in our hearts this day, but which we don’t feel able to speak out loud. (light candle)

Time of Prayer & Reflection: based on words by Kevin Tarsa

Let’s take those joys and concerns into an extended time of prayer. This prayer incorporates a contemporary version of the 23rd psalm – a prayer that many people find familiar and comforting during hard times – this version is by the UU minister Kevin Tarsa. You might first want to adjust your position for comfort, close your eyes, or soften your gaze. There might be a posture that helps you feel more prayerful. Whatever works for you. Do whatever you need to do to get into the right state of body and mind for us to pray together – to be fully present here and now, in this sacred time and space – with ourselves, with each other, and with that which is both within us and beyond us. (pause)

Spirit of Life, God of All Love,
in whom we live and move and have our being,
we turn our full attention to you, the light within and without,
as we tune in to the depths of this life, and the greater wisdom
to which – and through which – we are all intimately connected.
Be with us now as we allow ourselves to drop into the
silence and stillness at the very centre of our being. (pause)

Let us bring, to this time of prayer,
the whole unedited mess and muddle of our lives.
All those joys and concerns, gifts and needs,
that are inter-woven through our days.

And let us bring the awareness that every
living being has got their own mess and muddle.
So many people are carrying heavy burdens,
making tough decisions, feeling overwhelmed.

All of us could do with a little comfort, at times,
to make it through the day, and the night.
Each one would be glad of a little courage
and strength, to help us do what needs to be done,
and help each other make it through,
to survive, to thrive, to flourish.

And so, recalling the 23rd psalm, we pray:

May I remember in this tender moment
that Love is my guide, always,
shepherding me toward ways
of openness and compassion.

I have what I need, really, with Love at my side,
above me, below me, in front of me, behind me,
inside every cell of me, Love infused everywhere!

Just when the weight of the world I inhabit
threatens to drop me in place
and press my hope down into the ground beneath me
Love invites me to rest for a gentle while,
and leads the centre of my soul to the quiet, still,
restoring waters nearby that, somehow, I had not noticed.

And so, Love, quietly, sets me once again
on its tender and demanding path.

Even when the walls close around me
and the cries of death echo through untold corners,
gripping my heart with fear and sadness, I know…
I know that all will be well, that I will be well,
when Love whispers near to me, glints at the corner of my eye,
rests with gentle and persistent invitation upon my shoulders.

Yes, Love blesses me,
Even as the sources and symbols of my pain look on.
Love blesses me from its infinite well, and I turn and notice…
that goodness and kindness and grace,
follow me everywhere, everywhere I go.

I live in a house of Love, Love that will not let me go.
I live in a house of love, and always will. (pause)

And in a few moments of shared silence and stillness now,
may we speak inwardly some of those deepest prayers of our hearts —
the joys and sorrows we came in carrying –
in our own lives and the lives of the wider world.
Let us each lift up whatever is on our heart this day,
and ask for what we most need. (pause)

Spirit of Life – God of all Love –
as this time of prayer comes to a close, we offer up
our joys and concerns, our hopes and fears, our beauty and brokenness,
and we call on you for insight, healing, and renewal.

As we look forward now to the coming week,
help us to live well each day and be our best selves;
using our unique gifts in the service of love, justice and peace. Amen

Hymn (on sheet): ‘Blessed Spirit of My Life’

Let’s sing again. Our next hymn is on your hymn sheet, ‘Blessed Spirit of My Life’, as you haven’t got the music in front of you – and we haven’t got Benjie to help us this week! – so I’ll ask George to play it through once before we sing. The words will be on screen as usual.

Blessed Spirit of my life,
give me strength through stress and strife;
help me live with dignity;
let me know serenity.
Fill me with a vision;
clear my mind of fear and confusion.
When my thoughts flow restlessly,
let peace find a home in me.

Spirit of great mystery,
hear the still, small voice in me.
Help me live my wordless creed
as I comfort those in need.
Fill me with compassion,
be the source of my intuition.
Then when life is done for me,
let love be my legacy.

In-Person Reading: ‘The Gift of Presence and the Perils of Advice’ by Parker J. Palmer (excerpt)

My misgivings about advice began with my first experience of clinical depression thirty-five years ago. The people who tried to support me had good intentions. But, for the most part, what they did left me feeling more depressed.

Some went for the nature cure: “Why don’t you get outside and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air? Everything is blooming and it’s such a beautiful day!” When you’re depressed, you know intellectually that it’s beautiful out there. But you can’t feel a bit of that beauty because your feelings are dead — and being reminded of that gap is depressing.

Other would-be helpers tried to spruce up my self-image: “Why so down on yourself? You’ve helped so many people.” But when you’re depressed, the only voice you can hear is one that tells you that you’re a worthless fraud. Those compliments deepened my depression by making me feel that I’d defrauded yet another person: “If he knew what a worm I am, he’d never speak to me again.”

Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.

Aye, there’s the rub. Many of us “helper” types are as much or more concerned with being seen as good helpers as we are with serving the soul-deep needs of the person who needs help. Witnessing and companioning take time and patience, which we often lack — especially when we’re in the presence of suffering so painful we can barely stand to be there, as if we were in danger of catching a contagious disease. We want to apply our “fix,” then cut and run, figuring we’ve done the best we can to “save” the other person.

During my depression, there was one friend who truly helped. With my permission, Bill came to my house every day around 4:00 PM, sat me down in an easy chair, and massaged my feet. He rarely said a word. But somehow he found the one place in my body where I could feel a sense of connection with another person, relieving my awful sense of isolation while bearing silent witness to my condition.

By offering me this quiet companionship for a couple of months, day in and day out, Bill helped save my life. Unafraid to accompany me in my suffering, he made me less afraid of myself. He was present — simply and fully present — in the same way one needs to be at the bedside of a dying person.

It’s at such a bedside where we finally learn that we have no “fix” or “save” to offer those who suffer deeply. And yet, we have something better: our gift of self in the form of personal presence and attention, the kind that invites the other’s soul to show up. As Mary Oliver has written, “This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.”

So I leave you with some advice — a flagrant self-contradiction for which my only defence is Emerson’s dictum that “consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Here it is: Don’t give advice, unless someone insists. Instead, be fully present, listen deeply, and ask the kind of questions that give the other a chance to express more of his or her own truth, whatever it may be.

Meditation: ‘We Hold Our Hearts Open’ (adapted) by Alice Anacheka-Nasemann

Wise words from Parker J. Palmer. We’re moving into a time of meditation now. I’m going to share some words from Alice Anacheka-Nasemann – words on holding our hearts open despite all the world’s sufferings – which will take us into three minutes of silence ending with the sound of a bell. Then we’ll hear some music from George. So let’s do what we need to do to get comfortable – adjust your position if you need to – put your feet flat on the floor to ground yourself – close your eyes. As we always say, the words are an offering, you can use this time to meditate in your own way.

In a world so filled with brokenness and sorrow
It would be easy to lose ourselves in never ending grief,
To be choked by our outrage
To be paralyzed by the enormity of suffering,
To feel our hearts squeeze tight with hopelessness.

Instead, this morning, let us simply
breathe together as we hold our hearts open.

Breathing in as our hearts fill with compassion
Breathing out as we pray for healing in our world & in our lives.

Breathing in, opening ourselves to the transforming power of love
Breathing out as we pray for peace in our world & in our lives.

Breathing in as we hold hope in our hearts
Breathing out as we pray for justice in our world & in our lives.

May we know our strength
May we be filled with courage
May our love flow from us into this world.

Breathing in, we are the prayer
Breathing out, we are the healing

Breathing in, we are the love
Breathing out, we are the peace

Breathing in, we are the hope
Breathing out, we are the justice

May we know our strength
May we be filled with courage
May our love flow from us into this world.

Period of Silence and Stillness (~3 minutes) – end with a bell

Interlude: Bach’s French Suite in E Major BWV 817 – Sarabande (played by George Ireland)

Address: ‘Arriving at My Own Door’ by Roy Clark

Depression is not what you think it is … but then again, in one very specific and crucial sense, it is very much what you think.

Of course, we all, from time to time, feel low, sometimes intensely so. Perhaps events in our personal or professional lives or a combination of both send us into a slump; we all feel blue at times, but clinical depression is different.

For many, myself included a much more nuanced understanding of depression is appropriate, rather than simply being an illness, it is more accurate to say it is something that we do. It is more that as vulnerable human beings, we can hardly help ourselves from doing.

In any case, it could happen to anyone…it happened to me.

Anyone who has been through depression will readily tell you it at its most intense is the worst thing that a human being can experience. Life becomes devoid of meaning and vitality, filled with crushing physical symptoms and a dread of everything.

It was the worst experience of my life and bears no resemblance to anything l experienced before.

It is also very difficult to describe…

In his book Darkness Visible, a classic account of depression the celebrated American novelist William Styron encounters the barriers of language as he attempts to communicate the most deeply felt experiences of his life. He talks of what he went through as being so mysteriously painful and elusive. That it is close to being beyond description.

Anyone who has walked a long time with depression and its close relation anxiety will immediately recognise the truth of Styrons’ hard-won characterisation. As soon as we try and say it, we find ourselves saying too much…or too little.

Depression or the voice hidden in the depression must find a way to say what it needs to say.

In my early 50s, my career was going well. I was lecturing at the university teaching the vocational arts and media based subjects l loved. My personal life likewise was happy and settled.

Then, l started experiencing a range of alarming physical symptoms. Numerous visits to the doctor and a battery of tests over many months followed. Symptoms persisted and got worse. New ones emerged.

I remember sitting one afternoon with my GP. After another batch of tests had come back negative, he gently suggested my problems might be of mental origin, l recall saying …”I thought you had to be depressed to be depressed!” It wasn’t meant to be a joke, l meant it, depression just didn’t seem the right fit.

However, over time, it became increasingly apparent that my physical symptoms, though painfully real, were somatic in origin, and l was going through a severe depressive episode. During the next few years on and off, my struggles continued, ultimately costing me my career as l was simply unable to work for long periods of time. My world grew steadily smaller, and l struggled to live day by day… minute by minute at the worst times.

Initially, l tried to hold on to those parts of my life that still worked at least in terms of outward appearances. But like an iceberg gradually melting l was clinging on to smaller and smaller pieces. One by one all the masks l wore fell away, and the facade collapsed. When the bottom falls out of your life and you can’t find anything to cleave to, it hurts a lot. Another way to describe the process is being caught in an ever tightening net, the more you struggle to escape and resume your old way of life the more you become entangled.

As l discovered if we fight it, deny it, no good will come of it…we need to let it do its transformative work. Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.

A minute or two ago, l told you that it was the worst thing to ever happen to me. l wouldn’t wish it on anyone and am certainly not recommending depression. I am not about to celebrate the inner bleakness and chaos that characterise this condition.

Nevertheless, it turns out this illness was an opportunity to grow and has been the greatest gift l have ever received.

When we are depressed we are nearly always being asked to loosen our grip on some long cherished ideas and beliefs about life.

We can either shut down or open up totally and expose our fragile, fractured, frightened selves. With vulnerability, tenderness comes in. It leads to insight about ourselves, about others, and how things really are. It is often only when we fall to bits with nowhere to run too…nowhere to hide that true change occurs.

Amongst the riches l eventually discovered were a deep reservoir of empathy and a joy in doing good for its own sake and an authenticity of living.

I learnt that despite appearances and popular belief meekness is truth, weakness is strength.

This idea can be found in wisdom traditions of all faiths and none. The teachings of the Buddha and later Buddhist teachers is one example. The Sufi school in Islam another. A careful reading of Jesus words in the Beatitudes and in other places in the gospels reveals this same universal truth.

My experiences changed me. But then again, it is just as accurate to day haven’t changed me at all… l am just more fully myself.

So that is my story and listening to others a familiar one however depression has been described as a vague term for a variety of states. Actually, each depression is unique, there are many depressions as there are people undergoing the experience of life arresting despair …and they are out there. In addition there are increasing numbers of people suffering from psychotic conditions of which depression forms part.

What can we do to help?

A few weeks ago we celebrated the 250th Anniversary of the first ever service held at the Essex Street Chapel, the first Unitarian church in the UK from which Essex Church here in Notting Hill is descended.

Unitarians have a proud history of standing up for the oppressed, the marginalised, the lost and vulnerable, of seeking equality for all people and of working for a better society…a better world.

We are sitting here today because we care. We are caring people. Whether we choose to call ourselves Unitarians or not.

When l first began attending church here a decade ago l remember our former minister Sarah Tinker retelling a story during a sermon, a kind of parable really, the point of which was before making a judgement try to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Depression is largely an invisible illness so…as oft been said but bears repeating…always be kind…When you talk to someone you have no idea what battles they are fighting. So Be kind. Always.

Serious forms of depression and anxiety are not just a normal part of life’s ups and downs which we should just suck up and get on with as some in government and the media would have us believe… in order to withdraw support from those most in need. We need to challenge this narrative which is deeply damaging and dangerous.

As already touched on some people with mental health issues suffer from psychotic conditions, self harming, ending their own lives or have committed violent acts due to missing out on treatment as a result of cuts to support services.

The stigmatisation of depression is very disconcerting. Many people who have been told been told they are being brave or courageous talking about their struggles. This is certainly true they are, but this in itself an acknowledgment of the associated stigma of mental illness in our society.

For many the stigma is a very serious problem. Some cultures and minority groups do not understand or accept mental health issues. So members of these communities suffer not only internal turmoil but have the judgement or ostracization from their families and friends to deal with.

So… if you can just listen.

Spending time to deeply listen to a person with a mental illness isn’t going to provide an instant solution to their difficulties. But l am here to tell you that this connection, this act of friendship can lead to mutual transformation by touching a place where the spirit lives in each one of us. We can then begin to really see others as they really are people who are fragile just like us and in the process learn something about themselves and our common humanity. .

There are practical things too, there are many organisations such as Mind or more locally Richmond Fellowship.

A good way to find out more about the issues l have highlighted this morning if you live here in London is to attend the Mental Wealth Festival at City Lit in Holborn. Its a week long event in October run by practitioners and teachers from a variety of disciplines. Last year for example, there was music and movement, poetry workshops. Printmaking, A class on Greek myths and their relationship to mental health. A mindful nature walk in Lincolns Inn Fields, Yoga and Alexander technique. A lecture and panel discussion on feminist perspectives on Mental Health and an artist from the arts faculty talking about his own mental health journey and how it affected his artistic practice. Literally hundreds of other classes, seminars and workshops are available daily. Its open to all, not just those touched by mental health challenges.

At the time it happens pain is simply pain and suffering is suffering…it feels pointless and endless, but as l discovered the acceptance and befriending of whatever seems to threaten our very existence is at the heart of any real human growth and healing.

Pema Chodron the Buddhist nun and writer puts it thus… “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”.

To finish, l would like to read you a poem by Derek Walcott:-
Love after love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Every moment we are arriving at our own door. Every moment we could open it. In every moment, we might love again the stranger who was ourself who knows us as the poet says by heart. We already know ourselves by heart in every sense of the word, but we may have forgotten that we do.

Can we wake up … can we come to our senses?

For me it’s been quite a journey and has lead me … still leads me to arrive at my own door.

Hymn 284 (green): ‘Goodnight Hymn’

Time for our last hymn, an old favourite, it’s number 284 in the green book, the ‘Goodnight Hymn’. Please sing up and let’s enjoy our closing hymn.

To you each, my friends, tonight
I give thanks for company;
We have shared the inner light:
May that light go forth with thee.
May we give each other power –
Live with courage every hour.

As we face the coming week,
With its worries and its strife,
Strength and wisdom let us seek
In this hour’s remembered life.
May we give each other power –
Live with courage every hour.

In our homes and in the street,
In a world with sadness rife,
May we show to all we meet
Glory that we find in life.
May we give each other power –
Live with courage every hour.

To you each, my friends, tonight
I give thanks for company;
We have shared the inner light:
May that light go forth with thee.
May we give each other power –
Live with courage every hour.

Announcements:

Thanks to Roy for co-leading the service today. Thanks to Ramona for tech-hosting. Thanks to Shari for co-hosting and welcoming everyone online. Thanks to George for playing for us today. Thanks to Patricia for greeting and Juliet for making coffee today (I think! There have been a lot of swaps lately and I’ve lost track). And by the way I should mention please do have a word with Liz if you could be added to the WhatsApp group for volunteers: if committing in advance is a problem for you it’s usually possible to swap at the last minute if need be. The more the merrier. If you’re joining on Zoom please do hang on after for a chat with Shari. For those of you who are in-person – please do stay for a cuppa and cake after the service – it’s good old apple and sultana cake this week – served in the hall next door.

Tonight we have our regular online ‘Heart & Soul’ Contemplative Spiritual Gathering at 7pm, this week’s theme is ‘Celebrating Life’, I’ll be leading it tonight and Rita will be covering for me on Friday. We gather for sharing and prayer and it is a great way to get to know others on a deeper level. Email me or Rita to book your place for that.

Looking further ahead we have the next ‘Better World Book Club’ on 26th May when we’ll be looking at ‘On Being Unreasonable’ by Kirsty Sedgman (it’s a really excellent book). All our library copies have been snapped up but if you need one let me know and I’ll see what I can do.

And I wanted to give a special plug for the tea dance on Sunday 2nd June – Rachel Sparks is coming back for our first tea dance in 4 years – I’d really appreciate if you can support this event which should be great fun and hopefully will be the first of many. She teaches a beginners dance lesson at the start and leads some fun line dances along the way. There are flyers for this so please take some and tell your friends!

I’m about to have a few weeks off – I’ll be back at the end of the month. I wonder if anyone fancies making cake when I’m not here? Next week Sarah will be here to lead the service on religious diversity: ‘Describing a Rhino’.

Details of all our various activities are printed on the back of the order of service, for you to take away, and also in the Friday email. Please do sign up for the mailing list if you haven’t already. The congregation very much has a life beyond Sunday mornings; we encourage you to keep in touch, look out for each other, and do what you can to nurture supportive connections.

I think that’s everything. Just time for our closing words and music now.

Benediction: based on words by Enid A. Virago

As we go our separate ways – go in peace.
Hold in your heart the certainty
That the spirit of life is with you always.

Remember, and take comfort:
When your heart is torn asunder
Or when you soar with sweet joy,
You are never alone, never apart,
From the spirit that resides within us,
That guides our lives and cherishes us always.

May it be so, for the greater good of all. Amen.

Closing Music: Bach’s French Suite in E Major BWV 817 – Gigue (played by George Ireland)

Rev. Dr. Jane Blackall and Roy Clark

Sunday 5th May 2024